Opinion: Sex Magic and Collective Shame

Editor’s note: This column is about sex and sex magic, which I hope was already clear from the title.

Recently, I got a negative review for one of my books. Now, this isn’t the first time this has happened, and I’m not here to garner sympathy. I am fully aware that not everyone will resonate with what I have to say or how I say it, and I’m okay with that. But this time part of the language in this particular review struck me as coming from a deeper place, not just a complaint about my work in particular (although that was certainly in there as well) but more about the underlying subject matter. I was writing about sex, and this is one of those issues that tends to bring out negative feelings in some people. And, perhaps surprisingly, this is even the case in our supposedly sex-positive, “enlightened” Pagan community.

More specifically, I was writing about sex magic. For queer men. Since as much was in the subtitle of the book, I naturally assumed that those who would want to read it would at least be open to the idea of such practices. But in the age of the internet, I realize now I should have known better.

I had taken pains to express that my work stood not as a declaration of what all Queer Witchcraft should be, but what it can be, should one wish to incorporate sex magic into their practice. I even presented two versions of many rites, one with sex magic elements and the other without, giving people more options to fit their levels of interest or comfort. I thought I had made my position clear. Imagine my surprise when I happened upon a review that said, in part:

“The fact that a gay man is the author is honestly a surprise being it paints gay men in an unsavory light of sex crazed individual who is looking for a hook up at all times with nothing else on his mind.”

— “Disappointment,” 1-star Amazon review

As a gay man who has enjoyed a rich and varied sex life, I can tell you that this was certainly not the first time that someone has tried to slut-shame me, but it was the first to do so in a book review. (So, give them points for creativity, I suppose.) I have been shamed for being gay. I have been shamed for engaging in casual sex. I have been shamed for being polyamorous and practicing responsible non-monogamy. I have been insulted online, to my face, and behind my back. But whatever the medium or location, the insults and moral judgments are the same: at the notion that people can actually enjoy sex — not to mention with more than one person! — the pearl clutching and the angry finger pointing inevitably begins.

Why? Because it goes against the societal declaration that sex is only acceptable between two (and only two) consenting (cis gender, heterosexual) adults.

Sexy! [Image: DepositPhotos]

Why should this be? Surely as Pagans we have evolved beyond such uninformed opinions and recognize these beliefs as having their origins in none other than the Christian domination machine which weaponized its version of morality against the populace. But even we are products of our society, and many a belief goes unexamined, only waiting to rear its ugly head and remind us all that we’re not as enlightened as we may think. Though we may recognize the baggage as being Christian in origin, it’s the baggage we were nonetheless given and continue to carry.

Growing up as a closeted queer kid in the 1970s and 80s, I received loud and clear the assertion from straight society that gay men were simply inferior to “normal people,” the sexually promiscuous behavior often observed in our community cited as “proof” of our inability to form real emotional bonds, therefore making us undeserving of legal rights or of basic human dignity.

The AIDS crises that arose in the 1980s only further fueled the fires of condemnation and judgement; the disease seen by many as further proof of our wicked ways or at the very least the sad but logical conclusion of an irresponsible and selfish lifestyle.

It might be tempting to see such attitudes as relics of the past, having no bearing on current affairs or struggles. But they are prevalent here and now. And it isn’t just heterosexuals who hold these attitudes. They are fully present in the queer community, as well. As products of an oppressive society, we carry those oppressive attitudes and tools within ourselves. And we will use them against each other without a second thought.

These are the voices that arise each year around Pride that decry the celebrations as being “too sexual” or “too focused on kink”, or on drag, or on any aspect of queer culture that makes straight society feel uncomfortable. These are queer people who would rather assimilate into the larger culture, blending in and not drawing attention to themselves. And part of their protective stance is to demonize and attack those who they feel draw the “wrong” type of attention from the over-culture, the very definition of internalized homophobia. It all comes down to a distrust of the sexual and the denial of it as a healthy and positive force in our lives. There is no reason that a spiritual person can’t be sexually liberated.

To my reviewer, I just want to say: you got it wrong. Enjoying sex and incorporating it into our spiritual and magical practice doesn’t make one “sex crazed” nor is it simply an excuse for a single-minded hook-up. Sex can be hot and spiritual. One need not invalidate the other. And I hope you get to experience that one day.


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THE VIEWS AND OPINIONS EXPRESSED BY OUR DIVERSE PANEL OF COLUMNISTS AND GUEST WRITERS REPRESENT THE MANY DIVERGING PERSPECTIVES HELD WITHIN THE GLOBAL PAGAN, HEATHEN AND POLYTHEIST COMMUNITIES, BUT DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE VIEWS OF THE WILD HUNT INC. OR ITS MANAGEMENT.

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