Editorial note: This column contains brief mentions of self-harm and suicidal thoughts.
As the end of the year approaches, I start to reflect a lot on what I have learned throughout this 2021, as I always do when these dates arrive. I have felt proud of how I have changed this year. These have been difficult times, but I and my magical senses have grown from my experience of them – rather like the man who met the dwarf in the Caracas cathedral.
The details of the legend change a bit depending on the version that’s read – it was even the inspiration for a television special in Venezuela, written and narrated by Óscar Yanes, a famous Venezuelan journalist, chronicler, and writer. However, the general events and themes are maintained in all versions.
The legend and the experience
Late at night and in total silence, a man was walking close to the city’s cathedral in Caracas. It’s almost always said that he came from seeing his mistress; sometimes it is mentioned that he was a womanizer with an unstable life. He had been warned many times that he should not walk at night, but he continued to do whatever he wanted.
The cathedral in Caracas [Alexis Carmona, Wikimedia Commons, CC 3.0]
Suddenly, a dog barked near him, causing him to jump in shock and laugh nervously. Upon reaching the cathedral, the man sees a dwarf dressed in colonial clothes who asks for his help to light his cigar. Thinking that he has encountered nothing more than a poor person without resources, the man approaches him without suspecting anything.
Once the dwarf starts smoking, he announces that it’s already 12 o’clock midnight, and his body begins to grow uncontrollably until he becomes as tall as the cathedral itself. He then tells the womanizer that, since he likes fire so much, then he will take him to a place where there is real fire.
Without waiting for anything else, the man starts running in terror and praying as much as he can, hoping to save himself. When he arrives at his home, he decides it’s time to change his lifestyle and stop doubting in superstitions.
This, like some other legends I have written about, concerns the dangers of skepticism. It also reminds me of the saying that “not all that glitters is gold.” Just because a person with a friendly face is standing next to a cathedral doesn’t mean that he’s to be trusted.
This legend makes me think of relationships, the most recent one I had, in particular, which was proof enough for me of this idea. The first months were a fairy tale, the beginning of what seemed to be a perfect story, until things began to change drastically and rapidly. What was once a dream come true became a nightmare taken from hell itself.
It took me a lot to get rid of the baggage of that relationship. We made serious plans for a future together, even though we had only been together for a short time, and I don’t consider myself a person who takes the words of others in vain. I have no reason to doubt what others tell me unless they prove it to me themselves, and that was the rule I applied at the time.
At the time people who knew my partner told me things – I heard various stories, and instead of getting carried away by the rumors, I decided it would be better for us both to talk face to face. I thought everything was going perfectly, and that it seemed like my dreams could be fulfilled one way or another. But then the rumors seemed to be true after all.
Love conquers all, if there is
Obviously I don’t want to give details because it was a very delicate, personal situation; even today I don’t discuss this in depth with my friends. Only a few know what actually happened, and it will suffice to know that this relationship left me destroyed enough that I reverted to suicidal thoughts and self-harm again.
I wanted to believe anything, anything except the fact that I was in an abusive and manipulative relationship, and that what I felt was no longer love and had begun to become dependence. I wanted to forgive everything, play dumb, and move on, thinking that love could conquer all. And yes, love can do this – but there was no love there, if there ever was any other than what I came to feel.
A man sits in a shower, looking downward, appearing to be in emotional distress [artbykleiton, Pixabay]
What was there was a fire that consumed everything, an emotional and mental disaster that simply wouldn’t let me live and from which I had to get out as soon as I could. However, the nightmare didn’t end just like that. It took me years to finally be able to turn the page, to trust again, to believe again in my judgment and my ideals. Today I feel much better than before: the change is monumental, and those who notice everything in detail see it in me.
“If the river sounds, it is because it brings stones,” the saying goes. Although we don’t know what types of stones there are or how many, it is important to pay attention to what comes to us from other senses. I paid the price for wanting to ignore myself, something that happened recently without me realizing it.
Although I have been in love with someone for almost five years, the feeling remains one-sided, and although I always knew there would be no hope, it was only now that I was able to accept it. I would like to ignore the troublesome details and focus on the good. Although there are many characteristics that could make this friendship an excellent relationship, I’m not at a place in my life where I can accept a “could be” in my life. I’d rather stay at a distance, lest I burn out again.
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