Today’s offering comes to us from Amethysta Herrick. She lives in Colorado, studies with the Order of Bards, Ovates, Druids, and recently shifted from developing software to developing ideas. Her writing focuses on the origin of identity as a nexus among biology, psychology, society, and spirituality. Follow her work at https://amethysta.io.
I am a transgender woman, a Pagan, a Druid, and a lover of spirituality. As I interact with other transgender women, I observe a high proportion identify strongly with the Moon. Whether we consider ourselves Pagan or otherwise, follow a Moon-based spiritual path or otherwise, we respond to the Moon and her beauty.
For us, the Moon holds a sense of mystery, but also a sense of community, a sense of kindred. Many transgender women adopt names based on the Moon herself, such as Selene, Selina (my middle name), Luna, or Diana. Others choose the names of plants and animals closely associated with the Moon, such as Willow or Dove.
The moon rising behind Mount Cermis, Trentino, Italy [Vincenzo Gianferrari Pini, Wikimedia Commons, CC 4.0]
I believe that transgender women associate intuitively with the Moon because of the strong tie between the Moon and feminine power. As women in male bodies, we yearn to embrace the feminine, to bring it into ourselves in a visceral way that energizes and guides us. We naturally lean toward feminism and Goddess worship – whether Pagan goddesses or veneration of the Virgin Mary in Christianity.
That said, the extent to which we, as transgender women, are able to accept ourselves is the measure of the quality of our lives.
Some mental health history
The Moon has played a significant role in my life, especially concerning my mental health, which has never been completely stable. As a child, as a teenager, and during my undergraduate studies, I experienced a feminine voice in my head who would soothe me, sing me songs, and assure me things were going to be all right. As a graduate student, my mental health declined to the point that I experienced dissociative blackouts and thoughts I could rationally identify as delusion, even as I believed them.
I have been involuntarily committed three times in my life. In each case, the hospital believed I would harm myself or somebody else, and held me until they were satisfied I would not. Although I took steps almost a decade ago to address my mental health – which included meditation and an exploration of my spirituality, leading to my Pagan lifestyle today – I still face issues occasionally, even if only in the background.
In 2021, I worked extreme hours at a startup company (which, sadly, failed despite the herculean efforts our team made). I suffered from what I called “episodes,” which entailed near-catatonic states, dissociative and paranoid states, and the occasional accompanying migraine.
On Winter Solstice, 2021, I entered an episode so severe that my wife took me to the hospital for the first time in nine years. I was extremely disappointed that I could not manage my own mental health after all the work I had done. But the hospital did not hold me that day – a minor victory.
My decision to transition
One result from that trip to the hospital is that my wife and I agreed that I must explore my gender identity. I have known I needed to transition to present as a woman for at least 40 years. But society is not kind to my community. We are persecuted, told we do not exist, instructed to “choose” to be our assigned gender, and – in the worst cases – made targets of humiliation and violence. That we would choose to hide is obvious – certainly to us.
As I explored my gender, I finally accepted that I am who I am, and I realized that it is still possible to live as the woman I am. In July, 2022, I applied an estrogen patch for the first time and began my transition.
The process has been amazing; I have learned so much about myself and how my behavior in the past has been informed by a gender dysphoria I had never acknowledged fully. Owning it now has opened my eyes to the world around me and the world inside me.
How I react to the Moon today
After the Winter Solstice trip to the hospital, I looked back through my journal for patterns that might explain the difficulties I faced in 2021. I found that I experienced regular mental health issues that ranged from mild depression to a psychotic episode in the three days leading to the Full Moon from February 2021, to early Summer 2022.
In total, I observed eight clear disturbances in mental health on or around the Full Moon. This fascinated me. I looked back to previous journals and can correlate dips in mental health on or around the full moon for as long I have kept my journals – about 10 years.
What I have observed recently, however, is that the Full Moon has become a period of great energy and peace. Where I dreaded the Full Moon and her influence before, now I experience little trouble. I have enjoyed feeling her power and watching her in the night sky.
This confused me, as I knew I had still experienced moments of depression, anger, and mild forms of episodes in the past six months. I decided to look back again at what was occurring with the Moon when I felt in poor mental health.
What I discovered is that now I am sensitive to the Dark Moon, and the change appears to have occurred close to when I began estrogen hormone therapy. I have only four months of data, which – to my analytical mind – is hardly excellent statistics. That said, in at least two of the past four Dark Moons, my mood has been affected.
Why does the Dark Moon affect me now?
I have a guess why I transitioned from being affected by the Full Moon to being affected by the Dark Moon. It has everything to do with the word “transition,” namely, my own transition and the hormone therapy I am undergoing.
The Dark Moon [NASA]
The Full Moon is associated with the fragrant blossom of the Moon’s feminine energy. The Full Moon is about birth, completion, a peak of the cycle, a time of power and celebration. At the Full Moon, the feminine is alive and glowing, expressing herself in the beauty of her health. As Wiccans, this is when we draw down the Moon, filling ourselves with the essence of the Goddess. As Druids, the Full Moon reminds us to celebrate the cyclical nature of life and bless the Moon for our health.
The Dark Moon is associated with the ebb of feminine energy. Historically, the Dark Moon is associated with menstruation, the cleaning out – when women in some cultures have hidden and nurtured themselves for the beginning of the next cycle leading back to the Full Moon. It is a time of contemplation, where the sparks of ideas are struck, in the hope that they catch and grow into flames. As Wiccans, the Dark Moon is a period of reflection before gathering energy to work magic. As Druids, we revere the goddess Ceridwen and her Cauldron of Awen that inspires our lives.
What happened as I began transition? I believe that – by embracing my inner feminine energy, changing my hormonal balance, and suppressing the masculine biochemistry that served me poorly for so long – I have shifted how I integrate into our universe. When my clearly feminine Self was suppressed, and my body was under the influence of male hormones, my spirit was torn during the glory of feminine energy of the Full Moon.
The dissonance between who I am and how I lived was keenest during the peak of the Moon’s impact. It is no wonder the pressure became extreme.
Living our true lives
Today, with my feminine self out to the world, and my body under the influence of female hormones, I can embrace the energy of our sister, the Moon. I sing and dance with her as she sings and dances. I feel whole, as she appears whole in the night sky.
When I was hidden under the influence of male hormones, the Dark Moon was a safe period in which I could forget my self. Now I mourn the ebb of feminine energy. Now I am sad, now I hide, now I have no energy to sing and dance as our sister is quiet and gathering her strength.
The lesson I learn during transition is one of integration. As Pagans, we believe in the connection among all of us, our environment, and the universe that contains us. Transition has shown me explicitly that we cannot choose to ignore these connections. To do so led to my chronic poor mental health, which has eased as I embrace fully who I am in the eyes and the arms of the Goddess.
While I cannot claim my lesson of integration grants me complete knowledge of our universe, I can affirm that the Moon is alive, our Earth is alive, and that we as humans are cells within the greater organism that makes up our solar system and universe.
Our mother, the Great Goddess, the universe that births us all and accepts us back at our death, provides clear data on where we fit into her. We need only open our eyes to find the life that grants us harmony inside ourselves as well as harmony with our environment. Our mother Goddess is there when we open our eyes. She is waiting for us to understand.
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