Column: Abrázame

Manny Tejeda-Moreno —  February 5, 2016 — 11 Comments

We have a hugging problem, and it is probably not the one you think.

First, I am not going to go on about the benefits of hugging here, and there are many. But, my original article for this month was derailed yesterday when I noticed the creation of a new set of hugging ribbons for Pantheacon.


[Courtesy Free Hugs / Wikipedia]

These ribbons offer a gradation of interpersonal hug-comfort from “No Touchy!!!” to “Ask First!!!” to “Hugs are like Oxygen!!!” The intent to underscore the importance of consent is an outstanding idea. Reinforcing the urgency of consent will help individuals who are uncomfortable with certain levels of social expression to make others aware of that fact. Some people are uncomfortable being assertive and others have a real psychological (haphephobia or aphenphosmphobia) or physical (dysesthesia) challenge that make hugging problematic and even painful. Some people have faith traditions forbidding interpersonal contact with strangers of opposite sex. Some people are not neurotypical; some might be pregnant. And others may have experienced sexual or interpersonal violence in their past, which makes intimate contact difficult if not impossible. These individuals command our support.

And some may just not like hugs. It’s all good.

The intent of the ribbons is to help people proclaim a desire to maintain a wide personal touch space for any of those reasons. This underscores why these ribbons are a good idea. Their use is also optional.  So – and this is particularly important – those motivated to use these ribbons will likely have a vital reason for adopting them. Moreover, I would put my hand in a raging fire to affirm that these ribbons were never created with any other intent than to help people.

I am, however, skeptical that they will help. Not only will the ribbons be in a sea of other ones; their use makes a critical assumption about the reader. For those who behave inappropriately, are ill-mannered or simply interpersonally violent, the presumption of the ribbons is that those guests will have the wherewithal to review and respect the ribbons before approaching with a hug or a touch. It’s a stretch in my mind, but still it’s all good.

But here’s the thing. They are also disappointingly Anglocentric and accidentally enabling ethnocentrism. I get the fact that this is not the intent. But as a Latino member of our society, my first reaction was, “so you want me to act like an Anglo?” Let me just repeat what I wrote before: I get the fact that this is not the intent.  But the focus on salutation behavior and the added exclamation points to emphasize greeting expectations convey an unintended message about what is an appropriate means of greeting others. The greeting distance and the behavioral expectations are subtly centered on northern European/Anglo expectations. But, appropriate greeting – in the greater scheme of things – is not that, nor is it standard American.

I have difficulty navigating around the fact that, while I understand that my culture has vastly different rules about interpersonal space and the importance of touch, these ribbons promote a secondary message that subordinates how many people I know – including myself –- greet one another. Hugging and cheek-kissing – or a combo maneuver of both of them including the air kiss – is the standard greeting for more than two billion people who are not part of the Anglosphere. Some 50 million of whom live within the US; which, by the way, makes United States the second-largest Spanish-speaking Latino nation in the world exceeding the population of Spain and surpassed only by Mexico.

The gesture of cheek-kissing, often with a hug, is the de facto greeting in Latin America, the Middle East, and the Mediterranean nations. It has also become – as Time magazine noted in 2004 – a common greeting in the larger cities of the United States: that’s code for foreign, specifically Latin American. Among Latinos, cheek kissing and hugging is a universal form of greeting, even between heterosexual men.

The counterpole to these behaviors is the Victorian salutation etiquette, which continues to pervade our collective culture and, more insidiously, presents itself as the authority on expectations of proper behavior. Greetings – as still expected in parts of the United Kingdom – should be light handshakes at a distance. And this has a powerful cultural effect. It identifies how “proper” people interact and codes what is elegant, classy and cultured, while also highlighting who is uncultured, uneducated and uncouth. It lays out our roles in interpersonal behavior, guiding us to accept Anglo behavior as normative. You might even say there is a craving for it because there is a palpable pining among some people for the good old days of Downton Abbey, minus the classism. The reflected behaviors of etiquette are often seen as quaint, and when they are violated by those not of the right class or culture, it evokes Sarah Miller’s famous speech in Addams Family Values: “Remember, these savages are our guests. We must not be surprised at any of their strange customs. After all, they have not had our advantages, such as fine schools, libraries full of books, shampoo.”

[Courtesy /]

[Courtesy /]

It’s an issue, because this “quaintness” hides the bigotry. Chatham House recently surveyed British men and women asking them which countries they had good feelings about. They reported most favorable feelings toward Australia and Canada, followed by the United States, which tied with the Netherlands and then Sweden. There’s another code there, too. The countries of greatest comfort are more fluent in English. Not only that, there is another active code here, as they report, that the USA is moving linguistically, culturally and politically more toward Latin America. And those survey participants are echoing that shift as increasing discomfort with United States.

There’s nothing like having codes that tell us who is the “in-group.” At an unconscious level, we are all looking for in-group codes that allow us to discriminate among individuals and identify who we can trust. Intentionally or otherwise, we broadcast those codes not only to reinforce the dominant culture, but also to remind the “out-group” how its members are expected to behave in the presence of the majority. That anticipation of behavior, that reminding of how we should act, and those gentle cues to assimilate are nothing less than the arsenal of cultural warfare.

Cultural dominance coding is a dangerous game that can easily and elusively slip into racial segregation, social exclusion, and cultural assimilation. It often moves unnoticed, but with surgical effect. It can combine the tools of politics and economics to create an underclass of individuals who fail to “pass” for those in power. And we promote that cultural dominance coding in many ways that range from the grotesque to the subtle. The English-only movement that occasionally rears its head is little more than an attempt at linguistic domination. I’ll leave that as the grotesque example.

More subtly, we use mimicry and humor in combination to marginalize non-English languages as somehow inferior. Mock Spanish is such an example. Terms like “no problemo,” “hasta la vista, Baby,” or “buenos nachos” create a palimpsest of humor over racist language to disguise the latter. We see a different form of linguistic domination in the absurd belief that English is universally intelligible if spoken slowly and loudly.

We also make ignorant claims about culture and language. I remember one conversation many years ago with a colleague who was 30 years my senior. He was an educated engineer who held multiple biotech patents and even served in an organization to promote inter-cultural dialogue. Yet he explained to me how English will one day become the only language on the planet because it has an inherent economy of word use. His reasoning was that, in English, the possessive is created with the “apostrophe s” instead of the word “of.” Therefore Spanish, German and Chinese speakers, among others, would abandon their languages to adopt a quicker way of expressing ownership.

Now you may read this and laugh, but he was serious. To this day, I have yet to figure out how much time I have saved using the English possessive. And by the way, to add some more perspective, when I asked him if he spoke other languages, he answered, “No.” He spoke only English because his parents had warned him that learning Spanish might damage his natural intellect. He told his children to go to a college that didn’t require a second language or else he wouldn’t pay their tuition. But he liked Cuban food, so, as he explained, he wasn’t a racist.

By contrast, multiculturalism invites minorities to become visible while retaining their culture. It attempts to weave that culture into a mosaic where no culture remains dominant and all cultures are respected. It’s a utopic model whose origins are both in American and Canadian political philosophies, most prominently emerging from the Canadian Royal Commission on Bilingualism and Biculturalism.

As a society, we’re not there yet. Though I will state with some personal bias and only anecdotal evidence that Pagans seem to be among those most committed to multicultural values. Yet, we still have our moments of tribalism. We often presume English. We’re surprised by Latina Heathens and White Nebraskan Santeros. We’re disappointed, even stressed when our cultural cookie-cutter doesn’t behave like we want it to. But most of us also do not shy away from the difficult dialogues that allows us to strengthen our community with that cultural mosaic.

Pagans are the vanguard of multiculturalism and acceptance. I remember reading an observation by Alvin Schmidt the author of The Menace of Multiculturalism: Trojan Horse in America (1997) that Pagans represent the worst of the lot because we have revived pantheism in such dastardly films as Pocahontas (1995) and The Lion King (1994). Not just that, we unleashed even more heresy. Our multicultural beliefs were destroying the Judeo-Christian components of Euro-American culture and “endangering America’s soul.”

Y’all are awesome. And he is right, in a way. Pagans generally reject oppression and celebrate difference. We have lived as the oppressed and the reviled, often worship and congregate in secret and our sensibilities have been honed to recognize persecution. Neopaganism has grown in parallel to and in support of the sexual revolution and the civil rights movement. We recognize how cultural domination works, and we have become a bulwark against it.

Now back to those ribbons.The real issues here are manners and fear.

First, it is sad that we need those ribbons. Those of us from cultural backgrounds where interpersonal touching is normative are taught to carefully read body language indicating discomfort, and then unwaveringly apologize should we misread it. I and other Latinos were taught some very simple rules about hugging and kissing that I think remain important during first contact, or any contact.

  1. Don’t kiss or hug strangers.
  2. If you just met, no hugs or kisses. Unless you ask if it’s okay to hug or kiss.
  3. If you’re not sure, let the other person lead.
  4. If the other person says no, they mean it. You’re not entitled to a kiss or hug. Get over it.
  5. All hands above the waist at all times.
  6. No lingering.
  7. No saliva.

Did I really have to list those? We add for other Latinos, air kiss people you know; air kiss plus hug people you know well. That’s it. Culture and consent together.

Second is the fear part. As a community, we know fear offers nothing. And we know fear is the tool of oppressors. So, there must be no tolerance, no apologies and no succor for abusers. Period.

None of us should live in fear. And all of us should live in choice. Period.

Manny Tejeda-Moreno


Manny Tejeda-Moreno (pronouns he, him, his) is a professor and social scientist with a doctorate in business. His scholarship has been focused in research methods, leadership and diversity. He also has a masters degree in psychotherapy. He was born in Cuba and raised in the American South. Manny has been in the Pagan community for almost four decades. He is a witch and was raised as a child of Oyá. He is encouraged by the Balance within the natural world, enjoys storms and the night. He is a beekeeper, orchid-grower and builder of bat houses. Manny is married and splits his free time between the Florida Swamps and the Atlantic Ocean
  • Isabel Hagar

    I really enjoyed this essay. Diversity, bi-culturalism, bi-lingualism, why do these things scare so many Anglo-saxon U.S. citizens? Is it because they are so insecure in their own culture. U.S. culture is really a mix of English and German in the Northeast, Spanish and French with some English in the South and Spanish/Mexican and some Native American in the Southwest and Western United States. I know these are not the only cultures but these are the more predominant cultures in these areas. We embrace certain aspects of different cultures such as St. Patrick’s Day, Mardi Gras, Cinco de Mayo Octoberfest and other. We would be far better educated if we also embraced bi-lingualism. Instead we put down people that speak foreign languages or have any trace of accent from their first language (especially if it’s Spanish). My step-father in-law was from Britain and everyone loved his English accent but if it had been a Spanish accent I’m sure he would have been asked why he didn’t speak perfect English after living for so many years in the U.S.
    As to the various niceties and traditions that go with meeting or greeting someone, that is a huge can of worms. There is a picture on-line of G.W. Bush kissing a Saudi big wig on the lips. There are all the condemnations leveled at President Obama for bowing to various officials from other countries. There are the “no touch” rules for royals and I think the Pope. Hugging would be a no no with many dignitaries and in many cultures and traditions. To me it is a warm and welcoming way to tell you you are accepted by someone or some group. As you say in the essay, if in doubt, ask. A gentle and polite hug would suffice with someone you have just met. Save the bear hugs for people you really know and love. In the end a hug demonstrates that you “trust” someone to be that close and vulnerable with them. The more people we hug the more people we trust.

  • A very important issue. I’ve seen friends from warm cultures, where a light hug is the social norm, be accused of harassment in the US for giving a friendly person a slight hug in a social setting–and not accused by the ‘huggee’ but by some privileged person watching. Experiences like these can be absolutely disconcerting and harmful to the person who thought they were expressing cordiality, and were definitely doing so according to the cultural rules they were raised in. Different cultures have different rules of touch, personal body space, eye contact, and so on; imposing Anglocentric rules doesn’t help in a multicultural society, but makes life even more fraught (however good the intentions might be).

    Thanks for writing this timely article.

  • A wonderful and insightful article, Thank You! Particularly of interest to me (even more so because you make passing reference to this) because I was born and lived most of my life in Montreal Canada. In Montreal a blend of hand shakes and hugs with kisses on both cheeks is and has long been the norm. Hugging and the quick cheek pecks something that is done between casual acquaintances, and often people who do not know one another well, … in other words not only friends. Meeting someone for the first time, and giving a hand shake at introduction and hug when saying good-bye a short time later is very common. I agree with your comments about reading signals when it is a way of life, there were always those you simply didn’t reach to hug, however, I couldn’t even tell you what it was that warned me, and I may have been wrong, some times you just didn’t make the usual gestures. But honestly those were the exceptions not the rule. And for me, adjusting to a group of people who do not touch casually and naturally, let alone hug was one of the hardest things about moving away from Montreal. More than ten years later I’ll still reach reflexively to give someone a quick hug, and while it is usually accepted with pleasure I cannot get over the surprise the gesture causes.

    I find your expansion of the subject into the broader cultural issues of great interest. (Particularly since you probably hit some of my neighbours attitudes, … ones I was blissfully unaware of.) Thank you for filling in a bigger picture!

  • Katmandu2

    It also depends upon your region and, perhaps, generation in the US. Where I’m from in the South it’s normal to lightly hug or pat someone if they seem to consent. As for being multilingual, I think it should be a prerequisite for most folks (with exceptions made for those in special ed) to graduate because it gives you insight into another culture and its values. Having that insight shows you that your culture isn’t the only way things are done and, maybe, there’s something of value that you can adopt into your own life from that other culture. I took Spanish to fulfill a promise in highschool and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. Not only did it help me see into another culture, but it even helped me understand the Latin terms in my science classes!

  • LezlieKinyon

    Nice discussion. However, I support the idea of letting people know that touch-touchy is not OK. You may not realize this, but, this custom at Pantheacon is directly descended from the older Panpagan festivals and was not only common, but Required Practise at all gatherings. Many people do not want physical contact or “instant intimacy” in public and many (not all are European!) find it actually offensive. The basic rule: ASK FIRST: Even if you hail from a culture where hugging & cheek kissing is a normal form of greeting.

    • Damiana

      Thank you for your wonderful comment.

      • Summer

        Touching etiquette is not “pan-cultural”. By writing what you did, you just became the point of what the article is about.

      • Summer

        Touching etiquette is not “pan-cultural”. By writing what you did ( no intended offense), you just became the point of what the article is about.

  • Damiana

    As someone with many family members in Spain and Latin America, I disagree with this article’s perspective. Not only are most of my family members quite affectionate, they’re also sensitive and aware that not everyone welcomes physical affection *in their own region*, and they’re especially aware of how careful women might be with men about this issue.

    • Summer

      You disagree? If you read the article, you have just agreed with the writer’s perspective.

    • Summer

      I do not understand what part of the article you disagree with. If you read the article, you have just agreed with the writer’s perspective.