Column: Facing the Crisis of Cancer in Community

Cancer. Coming from a doctor’s mouth, it can be a terrifying word. Cancer can kill, and even with medical advances, the treatments can be life-altering. And, some cancers and their treatments can strike at the heart of a patient’s identity.

One small Pagan community was recently confronted with the reality that two of its members are in different stages of cancer treatment. One person, Voidwalker, was recently diagnosed with an aggressive breast cancer, while the other, named, Nightfall, had just been advised that his penile cancer was in remission.

Feeling powerless to take away their suffering, but wanting to do something, I asked for and received permission to put on my journalist hat to explore how Pagans in community support one another in times of crisis. I’d planned on maintaining my distance and writing in the third person, but this isn’t an issue I can simply report on. This is the story that I am part of, and a veneer of professional detachment would be disingenuous at best. I am part of that community.

We already had a group weekend planned when we learned about Voidwalker’s diagnosis, so it was decided that a healing ritual should be held for her. Plans tend to fly out the window when cancer’s the culprit. Although she’d planned on joining us, she stayed home on the advice of her doctor. Nightfall had kept his own cancer journey private until he was among us, and it was decided that the planned-for healing would be for him in person, and Voidwalker at a distance, as well as any others who needed help.

“It’s a simple story actually,” Voidwalker told me. A Pagan with shamanic and atheist leanings, Voidwalker explained that her journey took its first unexpected turn last month. She said:

I got my first mammogram in January of this year. It came back clean. Then in early September, I noticed a lump that wasn’t there before. After that it took off fairly quickly with another mammogram, a sonogram, a biopsy and a diagnosis of breast cancer. I sensed it couldn’t be a non-cancer[ous] nor a non-aggressive one, as I had nothing in January. I realized that even though my doctor refrained from using the word aggressive, aggressive was what she meant. I then knew from her explanation of my options that a double mastectomy is my best option. The next step is to get the cancer out of my body with a mastectomy and a preventative second masectomy. They also must make sure it isn’t in my lymph nodes, so they’ll do that test.

Back and forth via email leading up to our weekend together, Voidwalker was offered advice and support. To have both breasts removed is a loss that not everyone can imagine. But those who could, suggested that she find ways to mourn. Voidwalker spoke of naming them to make the grieving easier, and there were plenty of suggestions as to what to call them.

There were also ideas for crafting a ritual or memorial service for that purpose. In one of the about-faces that cancer journeys sometimes take, Voidwalker’s treatment plan abruptly shifted from double mastectomy to chemotherapy, so now there’s talk about chemo caps instead.

Perhaps community member Phil had something to do with change. He explained that he “won at auction a woodcut of a woman’s bare chest entitled Keeping Abreast, blessed it as a healing charm, and sent that to her. . . . Now it looks like she may get to keep both breasts, so it may have been more on-target than I’d first thought.”

He’s also taken to emailing her “spellpoems,” participated in the healing ritual for her, and “offered support and energy, as well as the more generic, ‘if there’s anything I can do.'”

Nightfall, a third-degree priest in the Braided Wheel tradition of Wicca, had been carrying the knowledge of his disease for some time, and told me about it in detail. His recounting, while not necessarily for the squeamish, conveyed to me the weight of that burden:

I’ve always been a very body-aware person. I tend to be pretty conscious of my body’s condition. I’m also a doctor-goer. I’ve never been one of those guys who ignores a health issue out of some aversion to seeing a physician. My mom has worked in healthcare for over 35 years, and I, myself, had worked in healthcare for seven years before transitioning to education.

Growths or bumps on the penis are actually quite common, e.g. lichen nitidus, folliculitis, lymphoceles are all conditions of the penis that can result in benign bumps. Generally they require no treatment and eventually go away. Of course, some sexually transmitted infections can cause bumps on the penis, but being sexually responsible and always engaging in safe sex, I’ve never contracted such an STI.

So when the tumor first appeared back in February, I didn’t really think much of it. I waited thinking it’d just go away, but it didn’t. It got bigger and also changed color. That was in April. I made an appointment with a urologist and my journey began.

I had one minor procedure, abdominal and pelvic CT scans, and two major surgeries since then because after the first surgery, the cancer grew back. The CT Scan was to make sure it had not spread to the lymph nodes. Fortunately it had not. My last surgery was September 9th, and it was much more invasive than the last. Table-side pathology was done, and there were several excision sites in addition to circumcision.

September 16th I was told I was in remission. It’s been five weeks, but the surgery was so extensive I’m still healing. My next follow-up is in four weeks. I may need one more surgery for reconstruction. For the first year I’ll have to see my urologist every three months. After my one year cancerversary, I’ll have to see him twice a year because it can come back.

Penile cancer is frequently described as the most psychologically traumatic cancer for men to deal with, particularly if partial or full penectomy is required. That was and is a huge fear for me, because in my mind, it would result in the end of my life as a sexual being. I’m in therapy to help me deal with that and the impact of the surgery on my body, which is considerable.

The healing ritual itself was organized by another member, named Misha, who wove together elements from the Protean tradition and EarthSpirit community, as well as the intentions of all those present, to create an ad-hoc ritual of healing. “In our community, there are very powerful traditions of directing magical energy for healing and support,” he told me afterwards. After setting intentions in writing and using chants to build the energy, a wave of it was released towards Voidwalker to support her healing, and then still more was used to lay hands on Nightfall to facilitate his recovery and remission.

The work was sealed in the Protean style:

From sky above to earth below,
let the rain of blessings flow.
Plant the seed and see it grow,
chant the spell and be it so.

That’s exactly the kind of support Voidwalker thinks this community can best provide, as she lives too far away to expect much hands-on assistance. Because they are facing it at the same time, she is also seeking and offering telephone support with Nightfall.

Nightfall, for all his initial reticence, had a lot more to say once he started.

This was extremely difficult for me to talk about. In fact, I hid it from everyone for several months, bearing the weight of it alone. It lead to depression and severe anxiety. Once the time arrived for my first surgery, I realized I couldn’t hide it anymore, particularly from my family [of] both blood and spirit. I told them.

My coven and my trad family have been my biggest source of support. They have been there for me with shoulders, arms and ears, supporting me and comforting me unfailingly. In addition, they offer me what the medical and secular community cannot, spiritual comfort and healing. My coven gathered to shower me with a weekend of healing magic including energy work, ritual and kitchen witchery.

As a priest dedicated to ministry and service, the role of nurturer and caregiver is my comfort zone. Reaching out for help and support is very difficult for me. My religious community has made that so much easier for me by being so forthcoming with love and support. What’s more, they haven’t only offered emotional and spiritual support, but financial support as well. Several members of my community have offered me extremely generous financial assistance. Fortunately it has not been necessary, I’m blessed to have healthcare afforded me by my work, and the financial support of my family. But, just knowing that they would be there for me in a financial crisis means more to me than words can describe.

[Gathering in community] this year was a vital step in my healing process for me. Because it meant that I’d be forced to ‘come out,’ so to speak, about my cancer to the people I love most. Over the course of the weekend, and even afterwards, people have showered me with physical, spiritual and emotional support. From Misha’s healing circle, to the session of reiki and energy healing I received in the [healing] temple by a small group of practitioners who volunteered, to Kelly going numerous hours out of her way to drive me to my door in NYC and then drive back [home]. I’m humbled.

The other blessing I receive from my community is solidarity. We have a number of cancer survivors in our midst who offered me their insights and advice. That was very helpful. I, in turn, have reached out to Voidwalker to lend her my support. There’s not much I can do physically as my body is still very weak, but I offer her my ear and my prayers and meditations. I offer her my encouragement that we can kick this.

I spoke with Kelly who shared what went through her mind when the news was broken.

Finding out that Nightfall had cancer was honestly like being punched in the stomach. I had to take a break to ‘run to the bathroom,’ when what I did instead was turn to the first person I knew I could talk to (and that I ran into) and promptly burst into tears. Big, ugly, gasping tears. I hadn’t planned on going to the healing circle, but at that point I knew I had to. I went to the healing temple and sent out as much healing energy to him as I could. The rest of the weekend, I held his hand and physically supported him while he walked around campus, and at the end of it, I was concerned about him getting home safe since he was taking the train/ cabs, I personally drove him to his doorstep (and added about four hours to my trip home). It was 100% worth it for the time we got to spend together and the laughter we shared. I feel that I was able to support him in mind, body and soul this past weekend and I will continue to do that for him as long as he will allow, in sickness and in health.

Pagans might have an extra tool to pull out when faced with a crisis as serious as a cancer diagnosis — when it’s difficult to know what to do — in the forms of prayers, offerings, and magical work to support healing. It’s not always enough for those on the sidelines, though, as I learned from another community member named Bruce. Having two community members facing serious health problems evoked memories of watching another friend die from a congenital problem just a year earlier. A regular attendee at Burning Man, Bruce described a tent where 2-300 people, from all religions and some with no religion, gathered together to mourn and heal. He now sees mourning as part of the continuum of healing.

The community even includes a “token Christian,” as Michael refers to himself. In addition to expressing the compassion for which he is known, he has been trying to support his friends in the ways of his traditions. “I have added them to my personal prayer list,” he told me. “I pray for healing for Voidwalker, and that a solution will be found as the extent of her disease. I pray for Nightfall’s continued recovery, and that he will be strengthened for what lies ahead.”

Phil, whose full-breasted woodcut seemed so spot-on for Voidwalker, offered some of the same support to Nightfall, e.g., participating in the group healing ritual and offering support and energy, including asking, “Is there anything I can do?” Since Nightfall was physically present, Phil went on to provide more hands-on healing for him; he also acknowledged that he was one of the people who offered financial assistance “explicitly, if needed.” There’s also talk of a “past all the surgery” ritual for him.

Both have nothing but gratitude for the support that has already been provided, and that which has been offered. Voidwalker has shared her hat size with people willing to help her get through a winter without hair, and said that continued energy work was what she wanted most. “However,” she wrote to me in an email through which I could very nearly see her smile, “care packages would be nice.”

“They’ve done more then I could ever sufficiently thank them for,” Nightfall told me, “but I am blessed to be in the NYC metro area where we have a thriving Pagan community. Pagans in other areas may not be so fortunate. I think as a community we could stand to have a bigger presence in the field of pastoral care. At the very least, we should try to build networks of support for one another going through health crises.”

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