I Guess We Have Our Candidate*

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Humorist Jon Carroll, writing for the San Francisco Chronicle, reveals Hillary Clinton’s real platform.

“All the manipulative people think I’m manipulative. They can’t figure out how I do it. Heh. I don’t do it; they do it for me. All the controlling people think I’m controlling, but they’re just mad because they can’t control me. And organized — have you ever known a truly organized Wiccan lawn bowler? Mythical creature. This whole running-for-president thing is basically a goof. Everyone should lighten up. Suppose I get elected? Could I be worse than the current guy? That’s my real platform: goddess worship, lawn bowling and better than Bush.”

Carroll’s satirical expose only confirms what conservative Christians knew ALL ALONG!

“She’s a witch Do you actually need proof? Okay, consider this: UK First Lady Cherie Blair has admitted to wearing .a ‘magic pendant’ known as the BioElectric Shield, which is filled with ‘a matrix of specially cut quartz crystals’ that surround the wearer with ‘a cocoon of energy’ and ward off evil forces. Who gave it to her? The ex-First Lady, Mrs Bill Clinton!”

But the real question is can Hillary reach out from her strong Wiccan polling base and charm libertarian-leaning Asatru to vote for her?

* All the articles linked in this blog post are satire, and resemblance to the truth is coincidental. Though, if you see Hillary at PSG, say “hi” for me.