The Wild Hunt » Satire

Ready To Spread Those "Secret Pagan" Rumors?

Jason — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:26:00 +0000

Tired of the “Obama is a secret Muslim” rumors? Starhawk has (jokingly) proposed that we fight fire with fire and start claiming that McCain is a secret Pagan.

Senator McCain? Is that you under there?

“You don’t have to be a Pagan to win my vote–in fact, I’d advise you not to be a Pagan if you want to win an election. Hmmn, perhaps we don’t make enough use of unpopular religions. Since there’s a widespread internet lie that Obama is really a Muslim, perhaps we should counter with the rumor that McCain was seen dancing naked in the moonlight, wearing goats’ horns. Really–it’s true. I’ve seen it myself. Okay, it was a vision–and what a vision! I had to dose myself with ibuprofen and valerian tea afterwards to recover. But my visions are rarely false.”

Who are we to say that Starhawk’s visions aren’t true? She also seem eager to offer her services as an advisor to the politically powerful. A Pagan version of Rick Warren if you will.

“How I would love to advise the candidates on religion! I believe I’m eminently qualified as a political strategist, on three key points: I’ve been in trouble more times than I can count for protesting one thing or another, generally some form of war; I’ve watched five seasons of West Wing on DVD; and I’m psychic.”

So keep your eyes open for stag-horned crowns, or secret Pagan hand signals, at the Republican National Convention*. And if you happen to see any suspicious looking groups in robes heading out into the moonlight, check to see if any of them are secret service.

* If McCain were a “secret Pagan”, if would explain why the RNC is being held in Paganistan.

Obama the Lightworker Watch

Jason — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 14:48:00 +0000

While some have wondered if Presidential candidate Barack Obama is the Messiah, others have speculated a less Christian-centric role for the charismatic politician. Back in June, columnist Mark Morford said that several “spiritually advanced” people are claiming Obama is a Lightworker.

“Many spiritually advanced people I know (not coweringly religious, mind you, but deeply spiritual) identify Obama as a Lightworker, that rare kind of attuned being who has the ability to lead us not merely to new foreign policies or health care plans or whatnot, but who can actually help usher in a new way of being on the planet, of relating and connecting and engaging with this bizarre earthly experiment. These kinds of people actually help us evolve. They are philosophers and peacemakers of a very high order, and they speak not just to reason or emotion, but to the soul.”

Now, Obama has caused a minor stir, and given “Obama as pan-religious enlightened being” watchers something to chew on by giving a press conference in Jordan at the Temple of Hercules.

Obama at the Temple of Hercules

“Barack Obama strode onto the world stage on Tuesday with trademark audacity, or as his political enemies would have it, a dearth of humility, in the symbolic shadow of Jordan’s Temple of Hercules. As he tries to convince Americans he will keep them safe, the White House hopeful held his first major press conference abroad as presumptive Democratic nominee near ancient Roman ruins and a shrine to the mighty Greek mythic hero. Overlooking sun-bleached homes and minarets of the Jordanian capital, Obama spoke about his stealth mission to Iraq, against a backdrop seemingly chosen to suggest a young dynamic potential president, at home and abroad … The temple’s terrace dates to 161 to 180 AD, and overlooks a complex of period Roman ruins, including an ampitheatre, an Odeon and Nymphaeum. The symbolism seemed to convince one local journalist, who yelled “Mr President” to get her voice heard.”

Hercules/Heracles, was immensely popular and worshiped across the Greco-Roman world. Many of the rites and stories surrounding him evoke qualities that we would now equate with a “savior” figure. A people’s hero of divine origin who died by treachery and rose up to heaven, transfigured into a god. So it looks like Obama isn’t limiting himself to using only Christian iconography to win this election*. Maybe he’ll appear at Stonehenge for the British leg of his foreign trip? You can never tell with these enlightened beings.

* Heck, some have (satirically) wondered if Obama isn’t the Platonic philosopher king we’ve been looking for for the past 2,400 years.

(Pagan) News of Note

Jason — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 14:42:00 +0000

My semi-regular round-up of articles, essays, and opinions of note for discerning Pagans and Heathens.

Yesterday was the Chinese New Year (the year of the Rat), and April Rabkin of Slate.com details how China’s Communist government has worked over the years to eliminate Taoist and indigenous religious traditions associated with the holiday.

“Perhaps the most significant blow to Chinese New Year was the government’s decision to forbid the annual burning of the Kitchen God, whose paper effigy hung above the stove … for more than 50 years, the Kitchen God’s effigy has been censored material. While low-ranking gods like the Lords of the Door, who guard courtyard gates and inner doorways, were more tolerated, the Kitchen God was not. In the more traditional countryside, peasants evaded censors by printing the Kitchen God at home on crude wooden blocks. But many young Beijingers I recently asked had never heard of the Kitchen God. Others laughed sheepishly, as if he were a national embarrassment – the equivalent of still believing in Santa Claus as an adult.”

Some Chinese are hopeful that Hu Jintao’s recent announcement concerning an easing towards Marxist attitudes on religion might translate into allowing a return to more traditional forms of New Year’s celebrations. However, it remains to be seen if the Chinese government, long an enemy of religious freedom, will truly change course on this matter or if it is simply a public-relations gesture.

Turning from China to Venezuela, the Associate Press reports that an influx of Cubans into the country has helped spur a rising interest in Santeria.

“[Santeria] rituals have become an attractive option for Venezuelans seeking a unique spiritual path, including healing ceremonies aimed at curing everything from illness to heartache. Some even believe certain gods will offer protection from Venezuela’s rampant violent crime. The surge in Santeria, which is practiced by many in Cuba, can partly be explained by the arrival of thousands of Cuban doctors in Venezuela. President Hugo Chavez has been providing Cuba with subsidized oil in exchange for thousands of physicians who come to the South American country to treat poor people … The Santeria movement nowadays cuts across racial groups and class lines and includes lawyers and other professionals as well as the unemployed among its adherents. In spite of rapid economic growth propelled by Venezuela’s key oil industry, people here face problems from crime and inflation.”

The article also mentions the local folk religion surrounding the Indian goddess Maria Lionza (a subject this blog has covered before), which has also been flourishing under the reign of President Hugo Chavez. For more on Venzuela, check out Slate.com’s recent travelogue of the country.

On the political front, American’s United has issued a statement calling on the U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee to reject a federal court nominee partially because of his hostile stance towards minority religions.

“On Feb. 12, the Senate Judiciary Committee is scheduled to consider the nomination of Richard H. Honaker to the U.S. District Court for the District of Wyoming. The Rock Springs, Wyo., attorney promotes the idea that the U.S. Constitution creates a Christian nation and that government need not remain neutral on religion … [AU executive director Rev. Barry W. Lynn] argued that Honaker has also shown a striking callousness to minority faiths. The Wyoming lawyer has suggested that democracy and freedom prosper only because of Christianity and that other faiths pose a danger to such freedom. ‘A judge with such an opinion of minority faiths is unlikely to be able to fairly and objectively adjudicate issues affecting their freedoms and rights,’ wrote Lynn.”

I doubt anyone is surprised that George W. Bush has nominated a judge who has an “abrasive” view of non-Christian faiths. Honaker’s appointment to the federal bench would be completely detrimental to the health and safety of minority (non-Christian) religions in the United States. Let us hope that the Democrat-controlled Senate Judiciary Committee (chaired by Patrick J. Leahy) shows some backbone concerning this appointment.

The satirical site Avant News has spoofed John McCain’s recent troubles with Republican-party conservatives by claiming he burned a Witch in order to get into their good graces.

“Republican presidential candidate John McCain burned a witch yesterday outside his campaign headquarters in Alexandria, Virginia, in a gesture some political analysts believe was intended to dispel accusations by rivals that the political veteran may possess dangerously moderate tendencies.”

The “quote” from Rush Limbaugh about the Witch-burning was a real treat.

The Cedar Creek Pilot interviews Chad Owens, author of the recently published “Working For Death”. Owens, who wrote the book while recuperating from a car accident, talks about his religious journey from conservative Christianity to Paganism.

“In high school, I preached under the conservative Church of Christ,” Owens said. “But I didn’t know the person in the mirror. So I walked for a month – Dallas, Mississippi, Tennessee, San Antonio, Austin. Then I did a series of articles against the church on online boards and posts under an assumed name, Adrian Gray. I?have pagan beliefs now. There are many different beliefs out there, but the point is, we all have beliefs and argue about them, but we’re all here on Earth in the same boat, living and trying to find our place.”

The profile doesn’t delve further into what Owens’ “pagan” beliefs are, but apparently his book details a war in the “realm of the gods”. Which seems to hint at a predilection towards polytheism.

The Revealer looks at the beginning of a backlash against the spiritually self-centered book phenomena that is “Eat, Pray. Love”.

“They’re the victims of Gilbert’s spiritual snake oil as surely as fans of The Secret or Joel Osteen’s prosperity gospel who’re encouraged to respond to economic woes with magical thinking. No health insurance? Forced to work double shifts? Can’t afford enough heat? The problem, dear reader, is spiritual, not material. Join a union? Forget it. Work with a church group to demand legislative change? Stop worrying so much. All you need is love, and 15 bucks for a paperback to read on the train.”

Oh, Oprah Winfrey, so much to answer for.

In a final note, the Feri community has produced a CD of poetry to help Feri co-founder Cora Anderson with her medical and care costs.

“Here is a sneak peek at the CD of Victor Anderson’s poetry that I am using as a “Thank You” gift for donors to the Corafund (like PBS pledge gifts). I will have a limited number of the CDs at Pantheacon at Anaar’s booth in the dealer’s room. For Pantheacon, the CDs will be a gift for donors to the fund who donate at least $10. After Pantheacon I will be sending out CDs to people who currently subscribe to recurring monthly donations and to those who have donated $20 or more in the last 2 months. However, the idea going forward is to use the CD to encourage new donors to subscribe to the recurring donations. More details later.”

Among those reading Victor Anderson’s poetry for the CD are T. Thorn Coyle, Sharon Knight, and Storm Faerywolf. It looks like an amazing collector’s item that also benefits a very worthy cause.

That is all I have for now, have a great day!

I Guess We Have Our Candidate*

Jason — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 14:11:00 +0000

Humorist Jon Carroll, writing for the San Francisco Chronicle, reveals Hillary Clinton’s real platform.

“All the manipulative people think I’m manipulative. They can’t figure out how I do it. Heh. I don’t do it; they do it for me. All the controlling people think I’m controlling, but they’re just mad because they can’t control me. And organized — have you ever known a truly organized Wiccan lawn bowler? Mythical creature. This whole running-for-president thing is basically a goof. Everyone should lighten up. Suppose I get elected? Could I be worse than the current guy? That’s my real platform: goddess worship, lawn bowling and better than Bush.”

Carroll’s satirical expose only confirms what conservative Christians knew ALL ALONG!

“She’s a witch Do you actually need proof? Okay, consider this: UK First Lady Cherie Blair has admitted to wearing .a ‘magic pendant’ known as the BioElectric Shield, which is filled with ‘a matrix of specially cut quartz crystals’ that surround the wearer with ‘a cocoon of energy’ and ward off evil forces. Who gave it to her? The ex-First Lady, Mrs Bill Clinton!”

But the real question is can Hillary reach out from her strong Wiccan polling base and charm libertarian-leaning Asatru to vote for her?

* All the articles linked in this blog post are satire, and resemblance to the truth is coincidental. Though, if you see Hillary at PSG, say “hi” for me.

Thaumaturgic Border Protection!

Jason — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 13:51:00 +0000

I don’t usually go for parody, but this was so well-crafted that I had to make an exception. Entropic Memes points to a faux Department of Homeland Security presentation on the benefits of enlisting Pagans in the war on terror.

If the language seems pretty authentic, that’s because it is!

“It’s copied from a real DHS briefing on critical infrastructure protection, and I’m amazed how little I had to change or remove to make it applicable to the topic at hand … Kids! Count the pagan in-jokes…”

The Danger Room blog, which covers national security news, approves of the plan.

“America’s borders are under assault — not just from the usual coterie of coyotes, illegal aliens, and would-be terrorists. But from “disaffected voudon priestesses, state-sponsored Venezuelan witch-doctors” and other practitioners of “bad juju,” as well.”

Remember, its only satire, any resemblance to actual government policy is purely coincidental.