JD: Well, it’s all very simple. The legality of gay marriage sent out powerful shockwaves of destructive gay energy throughout hetereosexuality. Without an amendment to the constitution specifically barring homosexuals from obtaining marriage rights, this destructive Gay Force rampaged throughout the Traditional Family Nexus, corrupting it and turning thousands of upright, decent, missionary-position-loving straight couples into deranged, out-of-control mutant gay perverts.

FB: This is horrible! What in your scientific opinion as a doctor can we do to stop this?

JD: Well, humanity’s only hope at this point lies in the Marriage Protection Act, which would strip federal courts of the ability to review the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act. That way if the draconian anti-gay laws we need turn out to be unconstitutional, we’ll never know, because the courts won’t be able to stop them.

FB: Wow! Yknow when you think about it you could probably pass all kindsa crazy jurisdiction-stripping laws an it’d be almost as good as havin an amendment, only much easier!