Come On Out, We Have You Surrounded!

Jason Pitzl-Waters —  June 7, 2009 — 17 Comments

Fellow Pagans, it looks like our efforts to slowly take over the nation through secularism have been laid bare by speculative fiction writer (and former House Speaker) Newt Gingrich. On Friday, Gingrich, while giving a three-hour long lecture on “Rediscovering God in America”, uttered this warning to the Rock Church congregation in Virginia.

“I am not a citizen of the world. I am a citizen of the United States because only in the United States does citizenship start with our creator. [...] I think this is one of the most critical moments in American history. We are living in a period where we are surrounded by paganism.”

Mike Huckabee, who was also speaking at the event, then assured the Christian audience that God, not voters and massive fiscal contributions from the Mormons, defeated gay marriage in California.

“Huckabee told the audience he was disturbed to hear President Barack Obama say during his speech in Cairo, Egypt, on Thursday that one nation shouldn’t be exalted over another. “The notion that we are just one of many among equals is nonsense,” Huckabee said. The United States is a “blessed” nation, he said, calling American revolutionaries’ defeat of the British empire “a miracle from God’s hand.” The same kind of miracle, he said, led California voters to approve Proposition 8, which overturned a state law legalizing same-sex marriages.”

We stand exposed! And the God of the Christians is fixing elections! Luckily, the atheists appear to be unconcerned and are still with us in our Gingrich/nation-surrounding efforts.

“There are worse things to be surrounded by. People who support Gingrich and Huckabee, for example.”

As for God’s hand in California? Simply a setback. We were too busy surrounding Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, Maine, and New Hampshire at the time (there are a lot of Pagans in New England, obviously). But our forces are currently surrounding California and the Pacific Northwest, so look keep a close watch on the next couple of election cycles (it’s one of the reasons I’m moving to Oregon in July). So though Gingrich is on to us, don’t worry, most people think he’s nuts anyway. Now back to my secure Pagan bunker to prepare for tonight’s Tony Awards (a celebration of all things gay and pagan).

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Jason Pitzl-Waters

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  • http://intensedebate.com/people/MetalHellsAngel MetalHellsAngel

    Ohh I hate how religion has become so entwined in our countries politics, it really turns my stomach.

  • Eric

    Our legal system also owes much to heathen England.

    • Starhunter

      Actually our forces in Houston are doing pretty good. We've conquered Harris and Montegomery Counties and are working our way north.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/youngsoulrebel youngsoulrebel

    The original, or the cover version by DEVO?

  • Spaz

    All I can say is, SWEET! I haven't laughed like this in a long time!

  • Tom

    *headdesk*

    Paganism and secularism are NOT synonymous. It's akin to confusing atheism and theology.

  • chuck cosimano

    Resistance if futile. They will be assimilated!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mooncat13 mooncat13

    Would y'all please come surround Texas?? We're dying down here!!

  • chuck cosimano

    And that should have read "Resistance IS futile." It's still light out and I can't think straight.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/sari0009 sari0009

    :-D

  • DaBroad

    Personally, I prefer the theme from "Peter Gunn". It's got a good beat and you can dance naked to it.

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  • Tasha

    desperate times call for desperate measures.

  • http://hermworld.blogspot.com/ Hermgirl

    Wow. Religious *and* racial/cultural bigotry. Nice.

  • Pingback: Blog o’ Gnosis » Blog Archive » Terrorism in America

  • mead

    I thought this country was founded on separation between church and state plus with governmental riddance of monarchy

  • mead

    Oh that isn't the Christians it is just the dastardly summer heat that makes it feel like we are dying. Five more months of summer blah