Now that President Bush buoyed by his impressive popularity polls has made his stance clear in the Evolution/Intelligent Design debate (he thinks both sides should be heard in school classrooms) other theories are coming out of the woodwork demanding equal time in the matter of the beginning of all things. Josh Mitchell has a bold new theory he wants taught in schools right away!

“I’d like to propose a third alternative theory. I call it the theory of “Design by Unintelligent Hand,” or “DUH” for short. The basic concept? The Creator is an utter dumbass.”

He then give a few pieces of evidence for this theory, such as:

“The dark. One of the big ideas behind Intelligent Design is that there’s no way an eye could evolve. My contention? There’s no way a Creator who wasn’t a goddamn imbecile would create eyes that don’t work half the time.”

I think that since Bush has taken this brave step all reasonable theories should be heard in public schools! Having said that, I demand that the TRUE answer to the beginning of all things be taught in schools. Because everyone knows that Danu the divine waters of heaven fell to the lifeless rock we now call earth and from her all life sprang including the first sacred oak who when conjoined with the sacred waters dropped two acorns that grew to become Dagda “The Good God” and Brigid “The Exalted One” who brought order to the land and built the first cities.

Oh and in fairness to our Asatru brothers and sisters we will also teach that the great cow Audumla licked away the ice to reveal the first gods who slayed the giant Ymir and created the earth, mountains, oceans, sky and trees from his dead body.

Finally, we should also teach the Faery Wiccan creation story as recounted in Starhawk’s “The Spiral Dance” in which The Goddess apon seeing her own reflection created a companion from this reflection and made love to her which created a song from which all things sprung. This reflection then seperated from The Goddess eventually becomes masculine and the first God.

This of course is just the beginning! I have a more “scientific” version called “Polytheistic Design” that posits multiple intelligent designers, and “Matrifocal Design” which will settle the question of exactly what the gender of this intelligent designer was. Thanks again President Bush!

Jason Pitzl-Waters